but if i could change my makeup, i would

if it meant i could just hold your hand…

the beauty queen whose skin grows spots. the enchantress who lost her magic. the star who doesn’t shine. the actress who can’t lie. the dancer who has lost everything she ever had before… every beautiful smile, every winning title, every gold medal, every 92. every stretch, turn, kick, throw, and breath; she’s lost it. gone. the leaps that cannot overpass this year’s hurdle, the costumes that do not fit you anymore. age. loss. mourning for your own self. who you were. the famous person you were. the winner. where has the charisma gone? why are you see through?

to have the heart but to drink it away; to grow so far, only to wilt so quickly… how it happens, i’ll always wonder. how one could give up something so special, i’ll never know.

i know this might sound a bit weird but right now, i don’t really want to talk about that. today i really feel like talking about friendship… my standards for friendship, how it feels, gaining friends and losing friends…

i am an organizer. in my head i have different classifications of friends. group A, B, C, i suppose you could call it. my A group are my very closest friends, for personal reasons, and i’ll be perfectly honest and say only one or two are ever in this space at a time. my B group are my very close friends, who i hold dear to my heart. they are my best friends in a sense as well, and i connect with them deeply. my C group are friends that are more acquaintances… the people you know but don’t really know; the girls you smile at when they walk by but you never talk to, not because you don’t like them but because you just aren’t close. no hard feelings, just distance.

for my A, B, and C groups, i feel great love for all of them. i don’t have to see them all the time, i don’t have to talk with them the most… those things are not factors. and please, don’t think i actively “group” my friends. i don’t spend time making lists or graphs of who belongs where. but factors in deciding closeness are:

• respect
• kindness
• if i needed help, would you be there?
• support
• trust and confidentiality

the last one is a huge one, and if it’s broken, you fall into a whole other world in my mind.

i love my friends, and i’m aware all relationships have a natural “up and down” flow to them. if we fight, will we not be friends anymore? that’s absolutely stupid. of course we are still friends. disagreements can be friendly still, right? but turn on me, stab me in the back, betray my trust and that’s it. there’s only one chance there, and if you’ve used it up then there’s nothing for me to build on with you.

will i be civil? yes. offer my support if you need it? yes. congratulate you on your success? of course, because everyone wants the same thing… i want success just as much as you do.

but will i ever be your friend again?

no.

sympathy for the hard times you go through?

probably not.

because i’ve had hard times too. i’m a gay kid in a small town. atheist in a bible belt. i’m trying to be successful in ballet, under a huge time crunch. i’ve struggled, and still struggle with body image. i’ve been bullied. outcast. hurt. called names. made fun of. isolated. i’ve cried so many times, still wiping the tears when i wake up. wished i didn’t have to wake up. wished i could sleep my whole life away so i don’t have to face the world anymore, because all the world had for me was judgement.

you see, i’ve seen it all. felt it all. i’ve healed from it. i know what it’s like to go through a hard time and then to break free of its chains. i know what it’s like to see the light and be happy again. what i went through, i will never forget. so when you go behind my back and break my trust, even when i’ve gave it all to you, you aren’t getting any of my sympathy.

your heartache, whatever it is, is not an excuse to hurt me. i don’t feel sorry for keeping my friends who respect my trust close, and for keeping those who don’t support me, at a distance. i’m not made of plastic, guys… i’m the skin and bones and heart you see everyday. that’s me. my friends will always have it all.

it wasn’t because my day was bad. i had a wonderful day. i saw the kids that i tutor and i love them beyond words. i saw my friends from dance and had a great dinner (or, breakfast) with them. like every other day, i spent time with my family, who complete me.

but the smell of chlorine still filled my hair and i couldn’t escape the memories it brought. summertime swimming. hot days. light. chlorine. feeling homesick as night fell. sun setting. sleeping on trampolines. watching the moon rise. not being able to sleep. sadness. why do i feel sadness? all these things define the summers of my childhood right up until now, my age of seventeen, and here i am feeling such loss at the reminder. but what did i lose? i haven’t lost anything, have i?

and then i remember miss heather and i, recently, talking about an exercise where i really needed to have a story. i told her that i did have one. the exercise reminded me of my old dance teacher, miss kelsey, because it was the last thing she taught me before she left. and i thought that one day, if i did it perfect, she would come back. my own paradox… if i do it perfect, i will not need her anymore. miss heather said she could see that sadness all over and in between every transition of that exercise, and that i can’t mourn her loss. it’ll always stop me if i take the time to stop and mourn. i have to remember what i’ve gained from her.

so perhaps my whole life has been spent worrying about what i’ve lost. friends, teachers, moments, time, childhood, opportunities, love. but not nearly enough is spent on what i have gained. i’ve gained confidence. a heart. such deep love for others that will never die. friends. the concept of a family. a rich life. experiences that maybe not everyone else gets to have. understanding. wisdom. and even though i haven’t reached where i’ve wanted to go yet, i’ve gained success. because if you look at where i’ve come from, you’d know this journey has been a long and extremely difficult one. but the fact that i have a chance… just a chance at making it all the way… that’s success. that’s a hurdle leaped over for me, to even have a shot at this.

i still don’t know what lies in the chlorine that haunts me so much. i don’t know why certain songs make me cry. apron strings… maybe it’s something so deeply rooted that i will never unearth it. but now i can make new, greater and happier memories. long summer nights, falling asleep with sidney on the trampoline…

“Solo Seal.”

look, see. it’s a possibility.

minimal breaks, people. and i’d been dancing the whole day before that!

granted, i wasn’t able to cram the whole exam work into one hour, so i missed the second half of pointe. but JESUS was that a workout! she wrote a list of things i needed to work on and she said there were 18 different movements (not whole exercises) to focus on before my exam. i am actually okay with this because if i can perfect those 18 things while still doing the marathon run through, while still having a day of dance beforehand, i will definitely handle my exam no problem! so here’s what my class looked like, after having jazz technique and a ballet class beforehand:

• Barre (14 exercises)
• Port de bras and centre work (6)
• Pirouettes (2)
• Adage (2)
• Sip of water
• First part of allegro (4)
• Sip of water
• Last part of allegro (2)
• Pointe on barre (4)
• Pointe in centre (3)

we stopped after that. there was 4 more exercises and two studies left. dang, i was so close! hopefully next week i will finish =)

also, we are aware these are so far “pet peevey” terms. we will also make a list of “good” terminology as well. =)

• One Kick Wonder: self explanatory… a person who can only lift only one leg (either right or left, not both) and/or feels the need to fill most of their dance with extensions. are extensions hard? yes. do they indicate strength and flexibility? yes! do we need to see it 25 times in 2 minutes? NO.
• Fouette Frenzy: the abundance of fouettes/turns. similar to One Kick Wonder, as it is also a “trick” that can be dangerously overused. turns are indeed something difficult to master, and i appreciate the ability to pirouette with great respect. but i really don’t need to see you do fifteen separate pirouette combinations if it sacrifices the rest of your choreography.
• Style Whiplash: when the style of a dance dramatically changes within a dance, then goes back to its original style again (jazz becomes contemporary, then goes back to jazz). rarely happens but it’s possible.
• Emotional Tricks: when extremely emotional and lacking choreography is combined with One Kick Wonder and/or Fouette Frenzy. often found in lyrical when dancers are supposed to be emotionally deep, but then suddenly break out into turns.
• Hamburger Hands
• Dead Hands/Willow Tree: when arms/hands are especially weak and are not held with any effort whatsoever, leaving a “sad willow tree” look. bonus points if this then affects the dancer’s ability to complete the solo successfully.
• Permaflex: when feet never seem to point the whole time the dancer was performing… ever. doesn’t necessarily have to be a flexed foot, but a relaxed foot counts.
• Table Arabesque: when a dancer is unable to maintain her posture while lifting her leg in arabesque, so she falls forward, creating a table shape.
• Secobesque: an arabesque that never really reaches fully behind the dancer, rather it is diagonal; the in between of second and arabesque.
• Tears Equals Talent: when a dancer actually cries on stage and is applauded for her “powerful emotion”.
• The Bailer: when a dancer bails on a trick or movement. best seen in pointe solos where you knew she was supposed to be up on her box but bailed last minute.
• Dear God, Let The Music Stop Working: when you can tell a dancer just hates this so much and you know they just want to get offstage. now. this one is actually sad though. =(
• Forever Duckface: you know when your mom told you to not make silly faces, or else one day it’d be stuck like that? believe her, because it can happen.
• Flowery Fingers: no, your fancy hands alone do not count as body expression.

if you guys have any “dance terms” you use then please share! =)

one, i decided to grow out my nails. AHHHHHHH. yes, that’s crazy for me! if you can recall, i cut my nails at least once a week for no real reason other than being afraid of having them long. i am neurotic i know. but i’ve been struggling in performance, so i thought “okay, i really need to be out of my comfort zone. i have to, in every way possible”. i’m afraid of letting go because i’ve never had to do things i’m afraid of. so i decided to start with little things and then work my way up to being able to let go of all my worries when i dance… and i started with my nails, because it’s my most persistant neurosis. i grew them out for three and a half weeks! i know that’s not long to normal people but it’s very long for me. i almost couldn’t take it. that feeling you get in your chest when you’re afraid of falling? that happens in my hands when my nails are too long. not even kidding. it was difficult. they are short again now but i’m planning on breaking my record.

two, it’s a greenlight for my ballet exam in the spring! both miss vanessa and heather said it’s a go for my sister and i. i’m very nervous but excited too. i’m happy they believe in me, but in a way i knew they would. i’ve been working really hard and dedicating myself to pushing myself harder every class; fighting for every last thing attainable. and i think that when you give all you’ve got, then you’ve got everything to gain back… sometimes i see people who don’t give anything and expect the world to hand them what they want, but it doesn’t always work that way. sometimes it does, but in the end their desires don’t come true. you have to work for it, that’s what i believe anyway… and hopefully all this hard work pays off. even if it doesn’t, i know i have the heart, strength, and effort to start over.

three, my little sister sarah (the one who went to RWB) took her intermediate foundation earlier in the fall and received her marks today. 86!! i am so proud of her. =) my little sister… what a success! to see how much she’s grown in just a few short years is incredible. i remember just three years ago, she took her grade four exam. now she’s growing up so fast.

i am proud to say i know all of the intermediate foundation girls at my studio. each and every one of those talented girls… they are all beautiful. i look at them and all i see are bright, bright futures in those pretty eyes of theirs. oh, i hope they never forget these days. they meant so much to me, and i hope they mean a lot to them.

gee and jennifer, and sid too, when i think about you i just get emotional, because you have so much heart and kindness. you excel at what you do but you’re so humble at the same time. you just want to do well, right? well, it looks like you have. and you always will. that’s what warms my heart. you will all be successful but you will never lose your spirit; the strong but kind heart that you have. that’s what i love about you all.

even as time takes me everywhere, across the world and over the years, i will never forget you.

you let yourself fall because of a cold? can’t pirouette because your sinuses hurt? what if your exam day happens to be on a day where you’re as sick as you are now? are you gonna throw everything away because you just can’t do it as well as you could’ve? all that work you put in; those hours, blisters, blood, sweat, tears, bruises on your skin and nails, numb toes, cracked callouses… for what? for you to give it up?

i don’t care if you did well today despite everything. it’s not good enough. i don’t care if the first hour was great and the last 30 minutes were falling apart, or that you’re still improving anyway. it wasn’t perfect. if it’s not perfect, then get back into class every day until everything is. don’t you dare cry. that won’t make you a better dancer. that won’t make you stronger. athletes don’t cry, they go back and try again.

they don’t think you’re good enough so get back in there and show them how wrong they are. show everyone how wrong they were when they first met you. show yourself you can do it, because you damn well could if you weren’t so easily defeated. i don’t care that you’re sick. would an audience care if you were sick? no, they want a ballerina, not excuses. you’re the one holding you back. get a grip. and if you can’t, then let me take over, other me. please. stop fighting me and embrace me.

we were working on our hip hop routine, but we had to focus more on some breaking techniques for the final song of our dance. i won’t reveal much more but as a tall dancer, it’s REALLY hard to suddenly learn how to do acro/break tricks. hey, i’ve got long limbs. i weigh more than most of ya’ll just cause of my height. i’m trying to have abs of steel but getting my centre of balance UPSIDE DOWN is kinda hard. i was trying my best but getting frustrated, because it felt like everyone else could balance on their heads but i was still stuck trying to master the teddy-bear stand.

paul walks by me and i raise my hand, and sadly ask “Paul, is it normal to feel really heavy? I’m trying to get my legs up straight, but they just feel so heavy and awkward!”

he says it’s normal. he says he understands because i’m a lot taller than most of the other girls in my class, who are getting it faster. he says i’ll get it and that i just have to practice; that’s how we get better. “You’ll get it.”

and i thought, wow, that was amazing. i was just mesmerised. my head stopped hurting and my wrists stopped screaming at me for those few moments, because i thought “hey, he’s right. it’ll be fine!”.  it just reminded me how lucky i am. he’s so calm when he’s giving corrections and it totally inspired me to keep going, even though it seemed like i was going nowhere.

i know sometimes i write about how ballet frustrates me because it pushes you to be perfect all the time, but sometimes hip hop is equally as bad for me because it’s so out of my element. it’s something i’ve always been awkward with. i just don’t move like my friends do and it’s hard for me to look in the mirror and see myself dance. it’s like throwing a ballerina onto stage and saying “BE GHETTO AND GANGSTER AND FIERCE, NOW”. just no. god no. but paul has really helped me out this year. i’m feeling less frazzled and gangly and more into character these days. and plus, i see hip hop in a different light now, thanks to him… it’s not just “being gangster”, it’s just assuming a role that you have to play, like anything else. i just feel better, overall. XD

it was like meeting him was meant to be! it was fate.

next time i won’t be so kind
so be a man and fight me

she will always be your girl
your choice and angel waiting

fine, i’d rather have it all
alone yet always laughing

this week has been tough dance wise, but things were going pretty okay and i’ve felt strong all week. then today happened and i just felt so weak and gross. i felt like i was trying hard but at the same time it was as if no one wanted to keep helping me. with every mistake i just felt worse and worse and i felt bad because it was like i was wasting miss heather’s time. i didn’t even say goodbye to her; i just ran to the bathroom to get changed for my performance later in the day, and i burst into tears.

i was already scared to come back into the studio. my mom hates when i cry after dance. she always says i’m too old to have melt downs. but i couldn’t hold it in when she asked how class went, so i confess that i’m feeling horrible. i say that i feel so much pressure to succeed and i’m horrified of disappointing everyone, and mom said “is what you’re doing now supposed to make me proud, then?”. i can’t stop the tears. i’m so afraid of failing… afraid of never reaching my dreams.

yuhong comes in and gives me a hug, saying it’s okay that i’m crying. it means i care; it means i’m a good student. i rushed into her arms and sobbed really hard… it hasn’t been this intense in a long time. i’ve never hurt so bad inside; even when i used to cry over my first love, it never came close to how painful this feels. but she stays and keeps telling me it’s alright, and jennifer hugs me too. i tell her i’m sorry for being so sad today, and i thank her for offering support.

it goes to show that despite all my growth, i still have so much more to do. i still have horrible breakdowns and i can’t have that, because it’s always over something stupid. i just feel like i can’t cry, and that makes it so hard. i’m afraid of failure but i’m afraid of even being afraid! i can’t show if i’m sad because i don’t want my mom to think i’m weak and that i can’t do this. because i can, i know i can. and i’m not just saying it this time. i know it in my heart. i just have further to go and the road to success is not always tear-free.

thanksgiving weekend is here too. as you may know, i love thanksgiving more than i love christmas. there’s always such a special feeling that comes with thanksgiving dinners. i love being with family and friends, but without the crazy hectic energy that christmas brings sometimes. i just like being, as we are, together. having dinner. talking. sharing stories. being grateful for everything we have. tomorrow is my family dinner and i’m quite excited for it! i hope whoever still reads my blog enjoys their thanksgiving weekend as much as i am. =)

“wait kaela, what do you mean ‘still’?”

well, what i mean by that, is i don’t update very often anymore. i try to but i find it more difficult as the year goes on. i originally started my blog as an outlet. i was a frustrated 14 year old girl who needed something more than a journal. i needed someone out in the world to say “hey, i hear you”. that’s all i wanted back then. obviously my blog has evolved so much more since then, and now i’m feeling more at peace with myself and my life than ever. it’s like i said in a previous post… i thought i wanted someone to love me, but really, i was only looking to finally love myself.

i thought i did love myself, but i really didn’t, and you don’t know it until you finally set yourself free and then look back at your chained up past. part of it is my sexuality and part of it is dance. i used to think i had it all together but really, i didn’t. accepting who i was took a very long time, i just didn’t realize it. i didn’t see how much of myself was still under wraps; how much of me i couldn’t face, even though i could say it out loud to others. i just needed to finally love who i was entirely, and be okay with me, and to be confident with what i can do. because i can do anything you give me. i didn’t know that before, but i sure do now.

i’ve felt like for a long time, i’ve had two sides of myself. light and dark. insecure, confident. and i could feel them battling in my head, and i never ever felt like my two selves were together. and it was like they both took control at all the wrong times, but could never agree. and then suddenly, one day, i had this moment where i felt so great about what was going on in my life. i had just had the best ballet class ever, and i felt like my technique was solid and my performance felt at ease. i felt ready. and i felt whole, like my two sides were brought together. since that day, i don’t feel like i’m battling with myself anymore; i feel complete, as i am.

and so i think that’s why i’m having trouble writing here now. because i can tell fun stories about my life, what’s going on in dance, and how i’m feeling today, but i don’t need to use my blog as an outlet for how frustrated or upset i am at the world. not anymore, not ever again. my problem was me and now that i’m at peace, i don’t need this blog for the intention i started it with.

maybe my blog has served its purpose for me. or, maybe it’ll stay active for another ten years. whatever it is though, i won’t force it to be any other way. if i refuse to do that to myself, why do it to my blog?

at first glance, i loved everything about my reading because it was very accurate with what i’m going through right now. i do have a lot of choices to make and emotions/goals go right along with it. defences coming down is EXACTLY what all my teachers have been telling me. but when she (the tarot card reader) was telling me about the wheel of fortune, i was grateful for the good luck but disappointed that what i’ve been trying to achieve through all my hard work, will end up only relying on a roll of the dice instead of my effort.

then, i saw another person get their cards read, and he got the hanging man. she suggested that he might have to approach things the opposite way he thinks it will work. he then said something along the lines of “doing something stupid or illogical”, rather than intelligently. and then i thought, you’re still not getting the point, are you? it’s something you don’t expect, something different, but not necessarily dumb and stupid. she’s not saying act like an idiot to find peace, it’s to seek out the solution with openness.

and so it dawned on me that maybe i have to look at my wheel of fortune the same way. luck is not the opposite of effort. and even so, is what i’m trying to accomplish what my luck will help me with? maybe it’s not what i think it is. maybe what’s coming for me is something i can’t possibly know of yet; i’ll just have to wait and see.

having my cards read, and watching others have theirs read as well, made me realize that the cards are accurate because they read your personality and aura. for example, i got the tower, which if you look at its surface, depicts chaos and things falling apart. people are falling out of buildings, there’s fire and lighting and a storm approaching… and i saw it initially as a way to let go and start over. whereas another girl got the same card and looked horrified and afraid, even after being assured that it’s true meaning was to let go, not that your life is a disaster. we see what we want to see. we project ourselves onto the cards, in a way.

my mom’s reading was interesting. her first card was a sort of mourning card, a man staring at his spilt cups instead of the full ones behind him. then, the second card crossing this one was the emperor, the father figure card. she continued to get a lot of “masculine” cards and i feel as though it might be because she still misses her dad, who died before i was born. i thought this was interesting because i, on the other hand, got more “feminine” or mother figure cards. mom also got the sun, and it was in her subconscious. she needed to let her guard down to experience the positivity she already knows is there.

her and i both got the ten of pentacles, meaning completeness. it’s a happy family. but because it’s a ten, it’s the end of a cycle, meaning a new one will begin.