pool of boiling wax.
30 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in bits of writing Tags: promises, ramble
what is a promise to you?
is a promise something you keep forever? a promise, a secret, a story… something you vowed to keep to yourself and take to the grave. the only unchanging thing you can promise in this forever changing world, a promise. i promise i will never tell, many will say, and keep their word. out of love, out of a need to protect themselves and others… is a promise something you keep, even when everything has fallen? even through anger, does a promise remind us of how much we loved when we first made our deal? we were raised to never break promises, because a promise is a promise. even if it kills you, you must not go back.
or is a promise something that changes, just as the rest of the world does? does a promise lose its meaning over time, as circumstances become different? a promise, once true and strong and held close to heart, eroded by hurt feelings and of course, time. our worst enemy is time. they say time heals everything, but time also brings us closer to our fates. we can’t stop time but we can change our actions, sometimes by breaking a promise. if a situation makes the original vow impossible, do we still keep it, or go back on our words because things are different now? does our first intention still hold true? i promise i will never tell, we promise at one point. but life becomes unbearable with this secret, this incredible story, hidden in our hearts and weighing on our shoulders. it is a lifetime never told, never shared.
and if you tell, to save yourself from drowning, are you selfish?
mc + kaelalane = even more awesome!
24 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in dance Tags: competition, confidence, dance, learning, music skipping, technical issues
so competitions have come to a close, finally. it’s been a crazy ride this year. i didn’t realize how much stress it puts on me until it ended, and i was finally able to sleep through the night and relax. everything went amazingly well at Shine and matthew even came to watch my solo! unfortunately, my music skipped like the sound system was rolling down a mountain. it was baaaaad…
isn’t that crazy? that’s never happened before. i was so disappointed because i love my student choreo… it tells a story that, even now, i am still writing the end to. having that dance in my repertoire reminds me of what path i need to choose. i knew it was going to be really good, really solid… so i invited matt and then my music was AWFUL. ahhhh!! why now! it started skipping backwards so i had to move really slowly to stay on the music. it lost its affect in the last third because my dance is pretty fluid until the last bit, where it becomes more frantic (choosing between two sides gets more difficult) but due to the music issues, it was slow motion all the way through =( then randomly the music started playing at triple speed! at that point i wasn’t even paying attention, there’s no way i could even use it at that point… it ended before my dance finished, so i had to dance without anything playing. that was pretty scary, even though i knew i had to keep going. it’s what i’ve been trained to do my whole life, but when all you can hear is your own breathing it’s intimidating.
i finished though, which is the important part. wished it could’ve been better but at least i have the recital and las vegas as opportunities to showcase =) i got a highscore award for student choreo, gold, and great comments from the judges. it’s really good critique for choreography, so that’ll only help me next year in my choreography for others!
other than dancey news, lately i’ve been doing a lot of standing up for myself. i think i have been realizing that i can’t compromise myself and my own character all the time… and sometimes in the process of doing that i feel scared or like i am speaking out of place, because i don’t feel like i’m in a position to demand the respect (among other things) i think i deserve… but more and more i believe what i am saying and what i need. and i guess in a way, i always knew i deserved more, or else i wouldn’t have the strength to say so in the first place. i don’t mean i am fighting against others or anything, it’s just at times i would sit and allow others to go past my boundaries. now what i’m doing is making my boundaries clear.
also, another awesome thing, i find myself less nervous at competition. mind you i am always terrified before we do womanizer, but besides that i just find myself breathing before i go onstage… i’ve learned what i need to do as a performer to make everything work out perfectly. i’ve learned what i should do, what to stretch, how to zone out before hitting the stage. it’s really nice to find peace, when my whole life there really hasn’t been much XD i just feel a lot stronger these days i guess, even though things are hard. it is never easy, but i love this life.
well, i’ll probably write later but for now i’m off. i feel like there’s so much to share but i’m not sure how to do that without writing a novel about it. will find a way somehow.
terminator.
29 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in dance Tags: artistic edge, dance, hip hop, terminator
here’s a video of our hip hop group Terminator performing at Outbreak 2012.
which one am i? ;) probably the tall gangly one…
look up.
21 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in dance Tags: ballet, competition, dance, exams
since getting my exam marks a couple weeks ago, i’ve been pretty down in the dumps. it’s a tough thing to deal with, having a dream in mind and then finding out that you’ve hit a wall. there’s a giant obstacle in your path and you are unsure of how to start getting around.
but this week has been a big turn around. i finally went back into my advanced 2 work with heather and we are dissecting EVERYTHING, from technique to the way i smile here and there… where my eyes look, how they look, what is my story behind the dance, etc. basically, everything we did before, but to the biggest extreme. i was glad to realize that, as i listened to the music again, i had a new outlook on everything. i felt happy. every song made me happy. i can’t really explain why, but it’s a good thing so it doesn’t need an answer! i suppose it’s because i feel happier (well, besides this whole exam business anyway!) about life in general. i feel like things fall into place when they’re supposed to and it really has.
i also got my handbook for American Ballet Theatre’s Summer Intensive, and it reminded me that i have a goal there too. i really want to do well in the summer while i’m away and so it helped me refocus on my dancing in general. this week, i hit the studio with all of my determination. i had a bunch of great classes too… i was like the pirouette monster!
i guess what i’m trying to say is that i found my inspiration to go back and try again… to work my hardest again, even though it didn’t bring me the exact results i wanted. i know that in the end i will find success, i just gotta keep going. nothing will hold me back now! =) i’m going to try again and i know this time i will find whatever i was missing before, and make it all the way.
anyway, in other news, our groups at surrey festival both got first place! Womanizer was already invited to No Borders but technically we got in again, and I Believe is there too. sarah also placed for all her solos which is excellent! she even got first place for her jazz. =) it’s been crazy but very fun.
i should probably head off because i actually have competition tonight, but i’ll write soon i hope =)
haze.
17 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
if i said the words
you’d be a monster
so i’ll hold my peace again.
competition season, 2012.
05 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in dance Tags: competitions, dance, dance power, life, love, solos
competitions have started and oh my goodness they are going so well!
in dance power, the senior groups all made it to the power championships at the end of Dance Power. it was a crazy experience. we made it last year but with two dances… this year, all four groups made it in. i’m not sure why but the power champs always make me feel incredibly nervous. however, a good thing about my performances this year is that i am not as nervous. if you can recall, i often wrote about “feeling nauseous” before dancing on stage. now, those feelings are gone.
for highscore awards, Womanizer took first place and the runner up was our lyrical, I Believe. for large group highscores Terminator won first. for the championship awards, Terminator won the entire division. that is CRAZY because we actually rechoreographed half of the dance before competing it. ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!
the intermediate/junior kids are doing amazingly well too. Do Your Thang was actually close to making it to the power champs but their score ended up in 6th by the end of the competition. it’s quite a shame because they would’ve fit in nicely with the other groups at the finals… they are very talented kids and work really hard.
then, for other good news, i competed my student choreography solo at surrey festival. i placed 3rd, but my score was 93. that’s crazy high and competition was tough. sheila said it looked really good. i asked the normal routine-like questions after i perform… “was it good, did i travel enough, was i big enough, etc…”
she actually said yes. she said she was looking for me to not travel but i actually travelled a lot and looked really secure and strong. i felt really good about myself that day because after, i had my solo class, and i did really well. i am learning more and more how to push through the exhaustion and my solo is really looking good.
i know my last post was a bit of a downer, and i am still pretty upset, but i’m trying to pick up the pieces and look at all the good things happening in my life. in dance, i am finding great success… in other areas, i’m finding happiness and peace. sure, there are rough moments, but life is supposed to bring you some of those. you get setbacks to test your character… to see if you can push through and find success again. it doesn’t make you unlucky, it makes you stronger in the end.
a path blocked.
05 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in dance Tags: advanced 2, ballet, exams, rad
i got my exam marks back yesterday. unfortunately this post does not bring good news. i have a lot to get off my chest so hopefully it won’t turn into a huge rambling session for me.
it’s been a long time coming.
24 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in bits of writing Tags: confidence, LGBT, love, relationships, self acceptance, strength
throw at me forbidden love
i’ll tear up its mask and wear it
on its own and in the day
it doesn’t matter what you say
and it doesn’t matter what’s in my blood
or if we share it
cause people only dream of having this
they spend years hoping
i won’t lose it because of my name.
kept your gaze controlled.
17 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
if you know you’re number one,
why don’t you fight harder?
because not all battles need to be fought,
i’ve already won.
you can see the ocean from here.
16 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in dance Tags: dance, students, teaching
one of the girls i teach has a solo class with me. i am not in charge of choreography but i am there to help clean up her solo. the last class i had with her showed me how satisfying a career would be in teaching, in fact just as much so as it would be to become a ballerina myself.
she has had her struggles and has not been competing for a very long time at all, and it’s been working from the ground up to help her be confident… to help her learn how to control her body and not let her fears get in the way. there have been frustrating classes, tears, not knowing what to do next. exhausting days. nervous days. slowly but surely, though, she has worked hard and gotten better. she has been improving a lot and also, as a person, has grown tremendously.
she then opened up to me, during our last class. things were going really well and we were talking about our upcoming competition. she said she was nervous but wanted to do the best she could, and i told her that if she keeps up her hard work then good things will come to her. then, she said:
“I know I haven’t been doing this for a long time… But, I really want to do well. And I was thinking, maybe if I did really well, I’d have a chance at dancing, as a job, for real.”
it was heart warming. now she knows what she’s looking for. and it reminded me of myself, at one point not really knowing, and then realizing where i want to go. she said she knew it would be hard, and i told her that’s true. but i also told her that if you at least try, then you can say you gave it everything you had, instead of always wondering what it would’ve been like. she nodded, then got ready to rehearse her solo again.
and i thought to myself, wow, this girl has come such a long way! it’s crazy to look back on even a few months ago, and compare the dancer she was then to what she looks like now.
so now i know that i love teaching. don’t get me wrong, i’ve always loved teaching… but this was an eye opener for me; i LOVE teaching. i always used to wonder about what life would be after a career in dance, thinking it might not be as fulfilling. now i know that it’ll be just as great, and life can only get better from here on out.
to whoever loves her next.
24 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
don’t rush her
let her talk, even if it’s not much
let her be silent when she needs to be
don’t judge her
let her share her ideas
say you believe in her
don’t hold on too tight
let her show you what she made
take her out where she wants to go
when she laughs, let it last forever
it is the greatest sound you will ever hear
and when she’s hurting and hurting you too
try to understand
that there’s always a reason
know you are lucky
when she walks in and your heart stops
when she holds your hand
don’t forget how it feels
she is a loss i will always mourn
because i know there’s no one else after
and to whoever loves her next
you’ll soon know that too.
it’s my turn.
23 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in dance Tags: chilliwack festival, competitions, dance, jazz, scholarships, surrey festival
chilliwack festival has been very successful!
sheila sat us down a couple days ago and told us we had to celebrate our success at chilliwack. part of me honestly wondered why. i mean, we never usually do this when we do well at a competition. but it was a special day, i suppose, because she bought cake and needed to announce something. so we waited anxiously for the news, fidgeting as she worked up to what she wanted to say.
and then she said it. my sister sarah and her duo partner jennifer received scholarships. yay! but then it dawned on me that she had also mentioned i won one too.
“wait… WHAT?!”
i was floored. i just sat there with my mouth open and not knowing what to say. i have never been significantly noticed when it comes to jazz, ever, so this was a new thing for me. i wasn’t expecting it at all. then, sheila gave a card to jennifer which said she had been chosen as provincial rep. for her jazz solo. INCREDIBLE! i was jumping for joy i was so happy for her!
then, after all that, sheila told us that our jazz group Womanizer was chosen to perform at the honours performance and has already been placed into No Borders (the finals for surrey festival) even though surrey has not even started yet. i was beyond excited. i can’t even… wow. breathless.
and to think this is only our first competition of the season is crazy. we must keep working though. we can always get better and always improve, so we have to get back into the studio and practice again. no matter what happens we will never lose our work ethic. =)
dawn of a new day.
23 Feb 2012 2 Comments
in dance Tags: advanced 2, ballet, dance, exam, love, royal academy of dance, teachers
i took my advanced 2 exam today. i have to admit i started out very shaky at the barre… i even starting messing up some exercises which i usually never forget! but once i got into centre i felt very strong and secure of myself. i am hoping my love for dance, and all the determination i have, showed through to the examiner today.
i’ve been working hard and it’s been such a long journey for me. my advanced 2 work started out weak and heavy; i felt like giving up at certain points. i felt like i shouldn’t do ballet anymore or that i would never accomplish my dreams. but heather and vanessa have helped me grow so much. they’ve taught me what it really feels like to work hard for your goals, to be mentally and physically stronger than ever, and to attack everything in life with fierce determination. i am forever grateful for them. they really have changed my life completely. i can’t express in words how much i love them and care for them… and i know it’s odd to hear, but as much as they are there for me, i will always be there for them.
i saw my old dance teacher yesterday and it made me think of the last night i danced on stage under her name… my last recital at her studio. i kept thinking to myself, “i can’t let her down. i can’t give this up. i have to get to solo seal like she always said i could”… as time went on, my dreams of solo seal became more of my own needs and less of something tied to her, although i think of her often and still love her dearly. it was good to see her, really.
i also thought of mrs. grant on the drive back to the studio. i’ve mentioned before that i haven’t felt her with me as much as i did immediately after her passing, but today i could’ve sworn she was with me somehow. just watching from afar… because this time i knew i was going to be alright, and i think if she were still here she would know that too.
i’m going to go to sleep tonight and it will be the end of an era for me. tomorrow marks a new time in my life and i can’t wait to see it.
my journey on and off the scale.
15 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in dance Tags: anorexia, ballet, dance, eating disorders, exercise, muscle, strength, weight loss
lately i’ve been getting a lot of concerned comments about my weight loss, how i might be falling into an eating disorder of some kind, or how i’m starting to become a bit too thin and should slow down right now. i’m tired of saying “what i need to say” to get out of trouble. so here’s the absolute truth, with all my real feelings on the subject.
last year i auditioned for many summer intensives and was not successful. my ballet training came to a complete halt and i did not improve for a majority of the year until i met miss heather and miss vanessa. my jazz was still at a plateau. everything was at a plateau, really. i felt stuck, miserable, insecure, horrible, and i felt out of shape as a dancer.
i looked in the mirror, remembering all those times growing up where i really disliked my appearance. didn’t like my smile. hated the dark circles under my eyes. my long awkward arms. the fat around my hips and stomach and how i had no shape to my face or body in general. there was so much i would change back then. but i focused on how i felt right now, at that moment, and said “okay, this is what i want to tackle. i want a better body.”
i checked the scale every morning. i counted calories. ate very little. danced all night. would go to bed exhausted, but start all again the next day. then i started checking the scale every hour. would almost cry if the numbers went up so i wouldn’t eat for a long time. i’d come out of dance class ready to pass out because of how little energy i had. still, i lacked confidence, but my body was slowly becoming where i wanted it to be. then i met miss heather.
i went from 140lbs to 125lbs within about four-five months but had a lack of muscular strength. towards the end of the year i started realizing that in order to go for a two hour class with heather, i needed to eat more. so i did. i stopped checking the scale because i would still get thinner but gain more muscle (and therefore, weight). the scale became an unreliable source of information for me; it wasn’t a true indication of what i looked like in appearance and how strong i was becoming. summer and fall passed, and winter soon fell upon me. my body was strong, athletic, and lean.
i checked the scale again, one last time. i am back at 140lbs.
i think people misunderstand what it means for me to look the way i do, and to feel as strong as i do. am i smaller? yes, absolutely. do i weigh any less? no, not at all. am i a stronger dancer? yes. am i more confident? yes.
am i unhealthy? am i starving myself? no.
see, that all happened a year ago. all the agonizing nights looking at myself in the mirror, weighing myself before i sleep, hoping that the next morning it’ll all go away… that’s all done. it’s been done and now it’s gone. i know now that, to be this strong, i need to eat. trust me, i eat a lot. i exercise at home and at dance i am working my hardest.
this is the honest truth. i felt horrible about myself. now, i am happy with how strong i have become. when people ask me to slow down, to not keep going, i say, “why?” because why should i stop building my strength? i am not losing weight. i am gaining muscle. i am getting stronger every day. and while i appreciate all the concern everyone has to offer, please know that this is what i feel is right. please trust that i am in the right state of mind. please believe me when i say i know what is good for me. i love you for caring, i really do. but i also know that all those things you are concerned about took place a year ago. right now i am healthy and happy, and that’s all that matters.
i promise you that i wouldn’t do anything to put me in harm’s way. i have the dream of a lifetime on the line, and i will not do anything to make the dream disappear. i know that my family would take care of me and that my ballet teachers, who see me in tights and a bodysuit, will notice if things are going sideways right away. honestly they would scream at me for being so careless. i will not deny that having a thin athletic body is an aesthetic for ballet, because it is. some people think it’s awful and it drives girls overboard, but think about it this way: would an olympic swimmer be just as good if he was out of shape? if your answer is no, then don’t stop me now.
much love. <3
know it all.
15 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
when did this all start anyway? lines blurring, boundaries disappearing… becoming unlike myself. or maybe this is always who i was.
who would’ve ever thought all that jealousy really meant this. all those years of wanting to get closer and those late nights staying up writing in my diary asking “why? why is it this way? why does my heart ache?” and now having the answer in front of me.
maybe when she said my guard has to be let down, perhaps this was in part what she meant… letting go of my own perception of myself to experience something i never knew i always wanted.
and now it’s here and i can’t help but feel absolute happiness.
