gerudo.
11 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in friends and family Tags: confidence, friendship, growing, healing, love, relationships, respect, strength, trust
my christmas holiday was amazing. my new year’s eve was amazing. i spent the entire time thinking, “wow, i’ve got a great family. maybe we’re not perfect but it feels perfect to me, right now.”
i know this might sound a bit weird but right now, i don’t really want to talk about that. today i really feel like talking about friendship… my standards for friendship, how it feels, gaining friends and losing friends…
i am an organizer. in my head i have different classifications of friends. group A, B, C, i suppose you could call it. my A group are my very closest friends, for personal reasons, and i’ll be perfectly honest and say only one or two are ever in this space at a time. my B group are my very close friends, who i hold dear to my heart. they are my best friends in a sense as well, and i connect with them deeply. my C group are friends that are more acquaintances… the people you know but don’t really know; the girls you smile at when they walk by but you never talk to, not because you don’t like them but because you just aren’t close. no hard feelings, just distance.
for my A, B, and C groups, i feel great love for all of them. i don’t have to see them all the time, i don’t have to talk with them the most… those things are not factors. and please, don’t think i actively “group” my friends. i don’t spend time making lists or graphs of who belongs where. but factors in deciding closeness are:
- respect
- kindness
- if i needed help, would you be there?
- support
- trust and confidentiality
the last one is a huge one, and if it’s broken, you fall into a whole other world in my mind.
i love my friends, and i’m aware all relationships have a natural “up and down” flow to them. if we fight, will we not be friends anymore? that’s absolutely stupid. of course we are still friends. disagreements can be friendly still, right? but turn on me, stab me in the back, betray my trust and that’s it. there’s only one chance there, and if you’ve used it up then there’s nothing for me to build on with you.
will i be civil? yes. offer my support if you need it? yes. congratulate you on your success? of course, because everyone wants the same thing… i want success just as much as you do.
but will i ever be your friend again?
no.
sympathy for the hard times you go through?
probably not.
because i’ve had hard times too. i’m a gay kid in a small town. atheist in a bible belt. i’m trying to be successful in ballet, under a huge time crunch. i’ve struggled, and still struggle with body image. i’ve been bullied. outcast. hurt. called names. made fun of. isolated. i’ve cried so many times, still wiping the tears when i wake up. wished i didn’t have to wake up. wished i could sleep my whole life away so i don’t have to face the world anymore, because all the world had for me was judgement.
you see, i’ve seen it all. felt it all. i’ve healed from it. i know what it’s like to go through a hard time and then to break free of its chains. i know what it’s like to see the light and be happy again. what i went through, i will never forget. so when you go behind my back and break my trust, even when i’ve gave it all to you, you aren’t getting any of my sympathy.
your heartache, whatever it is, is not an excuse to hurt me. i don’t feel sorry for keeping my friends who respect my trust close, and for keeping those who don’t support me, at a distance. i’m not made of plastic, guys… i’m the skin and bones and heart you see everyday. that’s me. my friends will always have it all.
